Helping Your Child Cope with Losses

Children differ a great deal in their reactions to a loss. Some may be barely affected or may forget the loss almost immediately. Others will be virtually devastated and may be low-spirited for days. Avoid the temptation to deny or distort what the child is feeling. If your daughter has struck out three times and made an error that lost the game, she does not want to hear, “You did great.” She knows she didn’t, and your attempts to comfort her may well come through as a lack of understanding about how she feels. Likewise, it is not very helpful to tell a child that “it doesn’t matter.” The fact is that at that moment it does matter a great deal!

Is there anything you can do to make your child feel better without distorting reality? One thing you can do is to point out something positive that was achieved during the contest. For example, a wrestling match may have been lost, but some good take downs and escapes may have been executed. By emphasizing these accomplishments, you can help your child paint a more balanced picture.

Above all, don’t blame or get angry with the child. He or she feels bad enough already. Support and understanding, sincerely given, will be very helpful at this time. If, however, an athlete hasn’t given maximum effort, communicate your unhappiness without putting the youngster down as a person. Athletes need to learn that effort is completely controllable and that they are accountable. Again, focus on the future and tell children that they owe it to themselves and their team to give maximum effort. Effort is a decision, not a trait.

Perhaps your young athlete plays on a team that loses regularly. If winning is the only goal that is set, your child will be constantly frustrated. If, on the other hand, scaled-down goals are developed, a sense of accomplishment can result as improvement occurs. Knowledgeable coaches often use individual and team goal-setting to create a kind of game within the game. For example, the team objective may be to reduce the number of errors, strikeouts, fumbles, or penalties in the next few games. Even if games are lost, children can experience a sense of accomplishment as they attain modified goals. You can promote similar goal-setting on an individual level with your child.

Editor’s Note: For more information please refer to the Minnesota Hockey Sports and Your Child booklet.